Wednesday, November 10, 2021
Pulmonary Embolism- My Story
Over the past few weeks I have been experiencing shortness of breath and trouble breathing, even when walking very short distances. I first thought it was COVID, but received 2 negative test results. I then was diagnosed with bronchitis by my PCP via televisist (I had all the symptoms). I took medicine for bronchitis, started feeling better and could breathe easier after about a week. I felt almost back to normal until Saturday morning. Friday night I was experiencing leg pain that felt like a pulled muscle. My leg had felt this way once about a week or so before but I thought nothing of it; maybe I had injured it playing kickball. I was up all night Friday night due to the uncomfortability of my leg, which led me to be a tad late to Cal's baseball game on Saturday morning. As I was walking into the ballpark, I got really out of breath. I was only about 1/3 of the way to the field so I stopped and stood over to the side of the sidewalk. This did not seem unusual to me since I had been experiencing shortness of breath for a few weeks now. While standing there I started seeing black and stars and lost my balance, stumbling all over the sidewalk. People had stopped and were asking me if I was okay, but I did not have the breath or ability to answer them. After stumbling across the sidewalk I was able to find the ground and sit down, where several people were standing over me. They helped me call my mom and my parents came running. After catching my breath, I told my mom about my leg pain and why I was late getting to the game, she was immediately worried and took me to the ER at Baylor.
In the ER they noticed that my oxygen levels were low and my heartrate was elevated to a resting speed of about 120. A CT scan showed a blood clot on my lungs, aka a pulmonary embolism. The ER doctor said they would keep me overnight for a couple of days to monitor my oxygen and heart. They would put me on blood thinners which would dissolve the clot over the next few weeks. If they found it to be necessary they said they might end up doing one of two procedures. The first and more preferable option was to enter through IVs in my groin to suction out the clot. The second option was to enter through IVs in my neck and apply a slow drip medication to dissolve the clot over 12 hours, which would only be done if the clot was discovered to be more severe. After more tests, another blood clot was discovered in my leg which explained the pain I had been feeling.
When I got moved out of the ER and into a normal hospital room, another doctor came in to do a sonogram on my heart just to be safe. My dad and I thought the heart monitor was showing my heart rate down to about 97-99, which was a major improvement. We later discovered that 97-99 was actually my oxygen level (which is great) but the monitor was not showing my heart rate, which was actually about 155. After getting the results of the heart sonogram back and realizing my heart rate was even more elevated, the doctor came back in and said that this is more serious than they could initially tell from the CT. The blood clot was right in the middle of my chest, putting pressure on my heart and making it work overtime- hence the 155 heartrate. They would need to do the procedure that evening, and it would be the one through my neck, which is called an EKOS. Because the doctor that would perform this procedure was not working on Saturday, they had to call him in from home so they estimated it would be around midnight or later. The doctor came quickly and they took me down at around 8:00. I spent the night in ICU after the procedure and had to keep the IVs with the slow drip medication in my neck for 12 hours, which meant that I could hardly move. I wasn't able to eat for about 28 hours and was not able to use the bathroom for about 20 hours (I was scared of the external catheter lol). Around lunch time on Sunday, once the IVs were removed from my neck, I was finally able to order lunch and use the bathroom.
Shortly after I was moved to a regular hospital room in the cardiac unit where I stayed for 2 more nights. I saw several doctors, had my blood drawn 15 times or more, and continued to wear a heart monitor and had an IV drip of heparin. On the third day I got off the IV and onto oral blood thinners, which I will have to take for 3-6 months. My heart rate started slowing down, and rested in between 80-90. I was able to walk around, use the bathroom on my own, and finally take a shower on Monday. I even did a walking test around the floor to see how my heart rate and oxygen levels were holding up.
The number one suspected cause of my clotting is the oral contraceptives I was taking to regulate my menstrual cycle, which I will no longer be taking. I still have a long road ahead of me, the pain in my leg is still pretty severe and my blood thinners are pretty intense with lots of side effects. The blood thinners should help break up the clot in my leg and it should feel better within a few weeks or months. In February I will see a hematologist to be tested for any underlying conditions or blood diseases. I am very thankful for the people who helped me at Cal's baseball game, and for my mom's instincts to take me to the ER. If it were just me I would not have gone to the ER until it got much worse. Thank you to all of the amazing staff at Baylor Scott & White, the care was incredible. Thank you to everyone who reached out, prayed for me, sent me a gift or a card, it really means a lot! And thank you to both of my parents who stayed with me in the hospital, even overnight to ease my nerves and keep me company.
Sunday, March 3, 2019
22 Things I’ve Learned in 22 Years
I was given the opportunity to share a sermon with our youth group on my 22nd birthday. I struggled a lot when trying to come up with what I should say. I didn't want it to be just about me, so I reached out to many people in my life and asked for their favorite scriptures, and I decided to incorporate those verses into 22 things I’ve learned in 22 years. So here they are:
1. Life is gonna be awkward sometimes. If you’ve ever talked to me, you may have noticed that sometimes I’m super awkward. We can all be a little awkward. But awkwardness is nothing to freak out about, because once a moment is over, you can’t change it. So you might as well just laugh about it.
2. You can tell a lot about someone based on the shoes they wear. That’s all.
3. Be nice to yourself. Sometimes your biggest enemy is the person staring back at you in the mirror. It’s not egotistical to like yourself. It’s healthy. I know this is easier said than done, but try to treat yourself like you would treat someone you love.
4. Acceptance of yourself is far more important than your acceptance from others. Because who really gives a rip what anyone thinks of you? As long as you’re trying your hardest to be the best possible version of yourself, that’s all that matters. Psalm 139:14 “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
5. Going through hard times can help us appreciate the good times. My freshman year of college was the hardest year of my life but something I realized after that year was that my struggles can be used to help others who might be going through a hard time now, or will go through one in the future. 2 Corinthians 1:4 says “He’s the one who comforts us in all of our trouble so that we can comfort other people who are in every kind of trouble. We offer the same comfort that we ourselves received from God.”
6. Sometimes when we are in a deep dark place, it’s hard to see how God is working in our life. But there’s a quote that says “When you’re going through something hard and wonder where God is, remember that the teacher is always quiet during a test.”
James 1: 2-3 says “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”
7. What you’re thinking is what you’re attracting. In other words, the stuff you stuff yourself with is the stuff you’re stuffed with. The summer after my freshman year of college, I did the 100 happy days challenge on instagram, where I posted a picture of something good in my life every day for 100 days. Some days it was easy to come up with something, and some days it was super hard. But every day I found something to be grateful for. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 “Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”
8. Story time: In case you don’t know, Ken Diehm was the senior pastor at FUMC Grapevine and in 2011 he suddenly passed away. For most of my years in youth, Ken’s wife Kenda was my Sunday School teacher, and she always told us about how one of Ken’s favorite scriptures was Romans 8:28 and every day when the clock read 8:28, he would recite that scripture. And if he was in the room with his family he would make everyone stop what they’re doing and pause to recite the scripture with him. The first time Kenda invited our Sunday School class over to her house to sleepover, we were all minding our business, hanging out, and sure enough, at 8:28, Ken said something like “everyone look at the time!” and in unison we all said “All things work together for the good to those who love the Lord, who have been called according to his purpose.” And that scripture has stuck with me forever. Love the Lord, and He will protect you.
9. I want you to think about the best friend you’ve ever had, or even the best friend you wish you had. Think about all the things that make them the best. Now that’s the kind of friend you should strive be. John 15:13 “Greater Love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.”
10. Dogs truly are a man’s best friend. They are the best companions. Somehow they just know when you’re upset. They get worried and try to comfort you. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve woken up in the night and gone to find my dog Josie and spilled out my guts to her like a complete idiot. She may not understand what I’m saying, but she listens.
11. What you see in others is a reflection of yourself. If you choose to see only the bad things in people, that’s a reflection of your character. Choose to see the good. This isn’t always easy for me. But if I ever catch myself thinking negatively about someone, I try to switch my train of thoughts to think about reasons why they are good.
12. Comparison is the thief of joy. I know it’s so easy to get on social media compare yourself to the people you see. You might see someone on an awesome trip in Hawaii while you’re sitting at home on your couch. But sometimes going to your favorite coffee shop with a good friend can be just as awesome as traveling the world. It all depends on how you look at it.
13. You are never too small to do big things. One of my favorite quotes is “Shoot for the moon, because even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.” That is so true. Dream big and never give up. If at first you don’t succeed, try and try again. Isaiah 40:31 “Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”
14. Have faith in God, and you will have the strength to overcome anything. Faith can move mountains. Jeremiah 17: 7-8 “Blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”
15. Some of the most beautiful things in life are moments and feelings. You might not remember an entire experience, but you will remember how you felt in that very moment.
16. It’s okay to be afraid. So many things in life come with fear. Just remember that it is all in God’s hands and that at the end of the day you will be okay. Joshua 1:9 “Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”
17. If an opportunity doesn’t exist, create it. This one reminds me of my dad. He grew up with 2 older sisters and a single mom and they struggled to get by. At a young age he was working a job, not so he would have money to go out with his friends or buy cool clothes, but so that he could help his mom pay the bills. When he got older and started a family, he wanted to create a life for us that he didn’t have as a child. My parents built our family with opportunity and hope, and I think they have done a wonderful job.
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
18. Love is one of life’s greatest gifts. Not only do we get to experience amazing love on earth with the people in our lives, but we get to experience eternal love from God in our hearts now and forever. “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only son, so that whoever believes in him will never die, but have eternal life.” John 3:16
19. Family is important. There was a period of time in my life where I always chose my friends over my family. I would blow off plans with my sisters when a better offer came along. I can choose to be upset over those choices I made then, but instead I am making up for lost time now. My siblings are my best friends. And don’t even get me started on my parents. Out of all the people who I let see the worst side of me in those dark days during my freshman year, my parents are the only people who stuck by my side.
20. Be the change you wish to see in the world. Think of random acts of kindness. The simplest things can change someone’s whole day or even their whole life. And I know you hear that all the time, but it’s so true. The best way to shine your light, is to simply be kind. Matthew 5:16 “Let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.” (my favorite scripture)
21. These people sitting beside you, are your friends for life. Some of my very best friends today are the friends I met and grew up with at church. They are the people who you can always count on when you have a problem, need a prayer, or just need a good laugh. Your friends through Christ are your friends for life. The closer we draw to God, the closer we become to our brothers and sisters in Christ.
22. You Belong Here. And I don’t just mean where you physically are right now. I mean wherever you are right now in your life. No matter what you’re going through, no matter what upsets you about the past or scares you about the future. Whether you’re at the top of the highest mountain or at the bottom of the lowest valley, it’s all part of your journey. Philippians 1:6 “He who began a work in you will carry it on to completion.”
When I reflect back on my 22 years of life, I can’t help but feel thankful. I have experienced some really deep valleys, some super high mountains, and through all of that and everything in between, God was on my side. And He is on your side too. And so am I. So I just want you guys to know that if you ever need someone to talk to, or if you don’t have a dog whose as good of a listener as mine, I am always here for you. And so are the people sitting in this room. The adults and the students. We are all here for each other. And I just want to say thank you to all of you for being a part of my life, whether you’ve been a part of it for a short amount of time, or for 22 years, thank you.
This season of life has been full of uncertainty, but today, I could not be more sure that I am exactly where I need to be. “Perhaps you were created for a time such as this.” Esther 4:14.
1. Life is gonna be awkward sometimes. If you’ve ever talked to me, you may have noticed that sometimes I’m super awkward. We can all be a little awkward. But awkwardness is nothing to freak out about, because once a moment is over, you can’t change it. So you might as well just laugh about it.
2. You can tell a lot about someone based on the shoes they wear. That’s all.
3. Be nice to yourself. Sometimes your biggest enemy is the person staring back at you in the mirror. It’s not egotistical to like yourself. It’s healthy. I know this is easier said than done, but try to treat yourself like you would treat someone you love.
4. Acceptance of yourself is far more important than your acceptance from others. Because who really gives a rip what anyone thinks of you? As long as you’re trying your hardest to be the best possible version of yourself, that’s all that matters. Psalm 139:14 “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
5. Going through hard times can help us appreciate the good times. My freshman year of college was the hardest year of my life but something I realized after that year was that my struggles can be used to help others who might be going through a hard time now, or will go through one in the future. 2 Corinthians 1:4 says “He’s the one who comforts us in all of our trouble so that we can comfort other people who are in every kind of trouble. We offer the same comfort that we ourselves received from God.”
6. Sometimes when we are in a deep dark place, it’s hard to see how God is working in our life. But there’s a quote that says “When you’re going through something hard and wonder where God is, remember that the teacher is always quiet during a test.”
James 1: 2-3 says “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”
7. What you’re thinking is what you’re attracting. In other words, the stuff you stuff yourself with is the stuff you’re stuffed with. The summer after my freshman year of college, I did the 100 happy days challenge on instagram, where I posted a picture of something good in my life every day for 100 days. Some days it was easy to come up with something, and some days it was super hard. But every day I found something to be grateful for. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 “Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”
8. Story time: In case you don’t know, Ken Diehm was the senior pastor at FUMC Grapevine and in 2011 he suddenly passed away. For most of my years in youth, Ken’s wife Kenda was my Sunday School teacher, and she always told us about how one of Ken’s favorite scriptures was Romans 8:28 and every day when the clock read 8:28, he would recite that scripture. And if he was in the room with his family he would make everyone stop what they’re doing and pause to recite the scripture with him. The first time Kenda invited our Sunday School class over to her house to sleepover, we were all minding our business, hanging out, and sure enough, at 8:28, Ken said something like “everyone look at the time!” and in unison we all said “All things work together for the good to those who love the Lord, who have been called according to his purpose.” And that scripture has stuck with me forever. Love the Lord, and He will protect you.
9. I want you to think about the best friend you’ve ever had, or even the best friend you wish you had. Think about all the things that make them the best. Now that’s the kind of friend you should strive be. John 15:13 “Greater Love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.”
10. Dogs truly are a man’s best friend. They are the best companions. Somehow they just know when you’re upset. They get worried and try to comfort you. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve woken up in the night and gone to find my dog Josie and spilled out my guts to her like a complete idiot. She may not understand what I’m saying, but she listens.
11. What you see in others is a reflection of yourself. If you choose to see only the bad things in people, that’s a reflection of your character. Choose to see the good. This isn’t always easy for me. But if I ever catch myself thinking negatively about someone, I try to switch my train of thoughts to think about reasons why they are good.
12. Comparison is the thief of joy. I know it’s so easy to get on social media compare yourself to the people you see. You might see someone on an awesome trip in Hawaii while you’re sitting at home on your couch. But sometimes going to your favorite coffee shop with a good friend can be just as awesome as traveling the world. It all depends on how you look at it.
13. You are never too small to do big things. One of my favorite quotes is “Shoot for the moon, because even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.” That is so true. Dream big and never give up. If at first you don’t succeed, try and try again. Isaiah 40:31 “Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”
14. Have faith in God, and you will have the strength to overcome anything. Faith can move mountains. Jeremiah 17: 7-8 “Blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”
15. Some of the most beautiful things in life are moments and feelings. You might not remember an entire experience, but you will remember how you felt in that very moment.
16. It’s okay to be afraid. So many things in life come with fear. Just remember that it is all in God’s hands and that at the end of the day you will be okay. Joshua 1:9 “Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”
17. If an opportunity doesn’t exist, create it. This one reminds me of my dad. He grew up with 2 older sisters and a single mom and they struggled to get by. At a young age he was working a job, not so he would have money to go out with his friends or buy cool clothes, but so that he could help his mom pay the bills. When he got older and started a family, he wanted to create a life for us that he didn’t have as a child. My parents built our family with opportunity and hope, and I think they have done a wonderful job.
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
18. Love is one of life’s greatest gifts. Not only do we get to experience amazing love on earth with the people in our lives, but we get to experience eternal love from God in our hearts now and forever. “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only son, so that whoever believes in him will never die, but have eternal life.” John 3:16
19. Family is important. There was a period of time in my life where I always chose my friends over my family. I would blow off plans with my sisters when a better offer came along. I can choose to be upset over those choices I made then, but instead I am making up for lost time now. My siblings are my best friends. And don’t even get me started on my parents. Out of all the people who I let see the worst side of me in those dark days during my freshman year, my parents are the only people who stuck by my side.
20. Be the change you wish to see in the world. Think of random acts of kindness. The simplest things can change someone’s whole day or even their whole life. And I know you hear that all the time, but it’s so true. The best way to shine your light, is to simply be kind. Matthew 5:16 “Let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.” (my favorite scripture)
21. These people sitting beside you, are your friends for life. Some of my very best friends today are the friends I met and grew up with at church. They are the people who you can always count on when you have a problem, need a prayer, or just need a good laugh. Your friends through Christ are your friends for life. The closer we draw to God, the closer we become to our brothers and sisters in Christ.
22. You Belong Here. And I don’t just mean where you physically are right now. I mean wherever you are right now in your life. No matter what you’re going through, no matter what upsets you about the past or scares you about the future. Whether you’re at the top of the highest mountain or at the bottom of the lowest valley, it’s all part of your journey. Philippians 1:6 “He who began a work in you will carry it on to completion.”
When I reflect back on my 22 years of life, I can’t help but feel thankful. I have experienced some really deep valleys, some super high mountains, and through all of that and everything in between, God was on my side. And He is on your side too. And so am I. So I just want you guys to know that if you ever need someone to talk to, or if you don’t have a dog whose as good of a listener as mine, I am always here for you. And so are the people sitting in this room. The adults and the students. We are all here for each other. And I just want to say thank you to all of you for being a part of my life, whether you’ve been a part of it for a short amount of time, or for 22 years, thank you.
This season of life has been full of uncertainty, but today, I could not be more sure that I am exactly where I need to be. “Perhaps you were created for a time such as this.” Esther 4:14.
Wednesday, March 21, 2018
My Story Is Not Over
I have always loved tattoos. I think there is something really cool about using your body as a canvas. I don't think there is anything wrong with getting a tattoo just because you think it looks cool or pretty, but I do think there is something special about getting a tattoo that holds a deeper meaning. Over the past few years, I have seen something called "Project Semicolon" popping up around social media. This project was born from a social media movement in 2013. It is described as "a movement dedicated to presenting hope and love to those who are struggling with depression, suicide, addiction, and self-injury. Project Semicolon exists to love, and inspire." If you are wondering how a semicolon fits in to all of this, here's how:
A semicolon is used when an author could've chosen to end their sentence, but didn't. The author is you and the sentence is your life.
This movement was originally created as a day where people were encouraged to draw a semicolon on their body and post a picture, but it quickly grew into something greater and more important. Today, people all over the world are tattooing the mark as a reminder of their struggle, victory, and survival. Here's where my story comes in.
I grew up living a pretty normal life. I have 2 parents, 4 siblings, and I had lots of friends. I was involved in my youth group as well as clubs and school activities. When my junior year of high school came around, I noticed something different about myself. I started having days where I didn't want to get out of bed, or where I felt completely alone even though I was surrounded by people. Although this seemed unusual for me, I sort of brushed it all aside because, everyone has those days, right? I didn't think anything of it until my family took a summer vacation to the beach. The whole week we were there, I found myself not wanting to get out of bed. I think I only went to the beach two times the entire week. I told my parents that I thought I might be depressed, although I wasn't sure why, because I had a perfectly happy life. As time went on, I found myself having more and more of those days. I would get so anxious that I would throw up over what seemed like the stupidest things, I never wanted to leave my bed, and even though I knew that I had so many people that loved me, I felt like no one did. People in my life knew that I was struggling, but I don't think anyone ever realized how bad it was, because I tried so hard to be happy.
Flash forward to my freshman year of college. I moved into a dorm at UNT with a roommate and everything was set in stone. I was going to have the perfect 4 year university experience and I wouldn't let my depression or anxiety change that, or so I thought. A few weeks into classes, I found myself stuck in a routine of waking up, going to class, going home, and sleeping until I had to wake up and go to class again. I hadn't made any friends or joined any clubs. I had such bad anxiety that I would have to leave class to throw up or have a panic attack. Throughout this time, I was seeing a therapist, but after each session I only felt more anxious. After a few weeks of feeling anxious, lonely, tired, and sick all the time, I did not want to live my life like that anymore. Most of my thoughts turned into thoughts of not wanting to live anymore. I was so anxious that I barely ever slept, I had thoughts racing through my head constantly, and I started to hurt myself. I reached out to a friend about how I had been feeling, and that friend told my mom. Although I was very angry with my friend at the time, what she did ended up being a very good thing. Right away, my mom picked me up from school and the next day we went to the doctor. My doctor recommended that I get evaluated by a mental health specialist at a psychiatric hospital, where I was then admitted into the hospital's inpatient program for seven days.
My stay in the hospital consisted of daily visits with a psychiatrist, nurses, an individual therapist and multiple group therapy sessions. The first few days were hard. During group sessions, I would listen to other people tell their stories, and I felt like I had nothing to tell. Everyone seemed to have a reason to be there except me. I was just a normal girl with a normal life who couldn't get it together. When I was telling my story, one person even replied with, "Well, it seems like you have it all together." This almost made it more frustrating, because I couldn't find the root of my problem. I did not have any built up anger or guilt, I just got nervous and/or sad sometimes. After being in the hospital a few days, I was able to learn more about what depression and anxiety really mean. They don't have to be accompanied by a tragic back story. Sure, they can be caused by certain events or situations, but they can also be genetic. Depression can be caused by a combination of genes and stress that affect brain chemistry. Throughout my stay in the hospital, I met a lot of interesting people and heard their stories. That was the first time that I didn't feel alone. I learned that there are so many people like me. I also learned about alternative, healthy ways to cope with my anxiety and depression. After my discharge, I didn't go back to living a perfectly normal, happy life. I still struggled. But instead of coping in unhealthy ways, I used all of my new, healthy coping mechanisms.
Now after reading all of that, I bet you're probably wondering how I'm doing today, and the answer is, I'm living. It has been more than 2 and a half years since I was in the hospital, but I am not cured of depression or anxiety. Those are illnesses that I will probably struggle with for the rest of my life. I still have bad days. But those days are not every day. Those days are far outnumbered by the good days. In my story, I chose a semicolon because my story is not over. This tattoo will serve as a reminder to continue my story because those days are not every day and I will be okay.
Ever since I got this tattoo a few weeks ago, I have been contemplating sharing about it and what it means to me. I knew that I didn't have to post about it anywhere, that it could be personal. A reminder for just me. But then I thought about myself 3 years ago. I thought about how if someone had shared their story of victory and survival with me, how that could've helped. I am writing this today, to not only spread awareness about the topic of mental illness, but in hopes of helping someone who could be going through something like I did. If you or someone you know is struggling, don't be afraid to ask for help. If I had waited much longer, I might not be here. I will link some resources where you can learn more about mental illness, warning signs, anxiety, depression, suicide, suicide prevention, and ways you can take action.
A semicolon is used when an author could've chosen to end their sentence, but didn't. The author is you and the sentence is your life.
This movement was originally created as a day where people were encouraged to draw a semicolon on their body and post a picture, but it quickly grew into something greater and more important. Today, people all over the world are tattooing the mark as a reminder of their struggle, victory, and survival. Here's where my story comes in.
I grew up living a pretty normal life. I have 2 parents, 4 siblings, and I had lots of friends. I was involved in my youth group as well as clubs and school activities. When my junior year of high school came around, I noticed something different about myself. I started having days where I didn't want to get out of bed, or where I felt completely alone even though I was surrounded by people. Although this seemed unusual for me, I sort of brushed it all aside because, everyone has those days, right? I didn't think anything of it until my family took a summer vacation to the beach. The whole week we were there, I found myself not wanting to get out of bed. I think I only went to the beach two times the entire week. I told my parents that I thought I might be depressed, although I wasn't sure why, because I had a perfectly happy life. As time went on, I found myself having more and more of those days. I would get so anxious that I would throw up over what seemed like the stupidest things, I never wanted to leave my bed, and even though I knew that I had so many people that loved me, I felt like no one did. People in my life knew that I was struggling, but I don't think anyone ever realized how bad it was, because I tried so hard to be happy.
Flash forward to my freshman year of college. I moved into a dorm at UNT with a roommate and everything was set in stone. I was going to have the perfect 4 year university experience and I wouldn't let my depression or anxiety change that, or so I thought. A few weeks into classes, I found myself stuck in a routine of waking up, going to class, going home, and sleeping until I had to wake up and go to class again. I hadn't made any friends or joined any clubs. I had such bad anxiety that I would have to leave class to throw up or have a panic attack. Throughout this time, I was seeing a therapist, but after each session I only felt more anxious. After a few weeks of feeling anxious, lonely, tired, and sick all the time, I did not want to live my life like that anymore. Most of my thoughts turned into thoughts of not wanting to live anymore. I was so anxious that I barely ever slept, I had thoughts racing through my head constantly, and I started to hurt myself. I reached out to a friend about how I had been feeling, and that friend told my mom. Although I was very angry with my friend at the time, what she did ended up being a very good thing. Right away, my mom picked me up from school and the next day we went to the doctor. My doctor recommended that I get evaluated by a mental health specialist at a psychiatric hospital, where I was then admitted into the hospital's inpatient program for seven days.
My stay in the hospital consisted of daily visits with a psychiatrist, nurses, an individual therapist and multiple group therapy sessions. The first few days were hard. During group sessions, I would listen to other people tell their stories, and I felt like I had nothing to tell. Everyone seemed to have a reason to be there except me. I was just a normal girl with a normal life who couldn't get it together. When I was telling my story, one person even replied with, "Well, it seems like you have it all together." This almost made it more frustrating, because I couldn't find the root of my problem. I did not have any built up anger or guilt, I just got nervous and/or sad sometimes. After being in the hospital a few days, I was able to learn more about what depression and anxiety really mean. They don't have to be accompanied by a tragic back story. Sure, they can be caused by certain events or situations, but they can also be genetic. Depression can be caused by a combination of genes and stress that affect brain chemistry. Throughout my stay in the hospital, I met a lot of interesting people and heard their stories. That was the first time that I didn't feel alone. I learned that there are so many people like me. I also learned about alternative, healthy ways to cope with my anxiety and depression. After my discharge, I didn't go back to living a perfectly normal, happy life. I still struggled. But instead of coping in unhealthy ways, I used all of my new, healthy coping mechanisms.
Now after reading all of that, I bet you're probably wondering how I'm doing today, and the answer is, I'm living. It has been more than 2 and a half years since I was in the hospital, but I am not cured of depression or anxiety. Those are illnesses that I will probably struggle with for the rest of my life. I still have bad days. But those days are not every day. Those days are far outnumbered by the good days. In my story, I chose a semicolon because my story is not over. This tattoo will serve as a reminder to continue my story because those days are not every day and I will be okay.
Ever since I got this tattoo a few weeks ago, I have been contemplating sharing about it and what it means to me. I knew that I didn't have to post about it anywhere, that it could be personal. A reminder for just me. But then I thought about myself 3 years ago. I thought about how if someone had shared their story of victory and survival with me, how that could've helped. I am writing this today, to not only spread awareness about the topic of mental illness, but in hopes of helping someone who could be going through something like I did. If you or someone you know is struggling, don't be afraid to ask for help. If I had waited much longer, I might not be here. I will link some resources where you can learn more about mental illness, warning signs, anxiety, depression, suicide, suicide prevention, and ways you can take action.
Saturday, March 10, 2018
Best Buddies
As many of you know, my one and only brother who is 2 years younger than me, was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder at the young age of 3 years old. Being only 5 at the time, I don't think I realized quite what had happened, but from the very beginning I knew there was something really special about Cal. A lot of things were difficult for us a family, having a child with Autism. Cal is extremely OCD, and when he was a child, if we ever tried to eat at a new restaurant or change up his daily routine even the slightest bit, he would melt down. He would break out into hysterical tantrums in public places because he wasn't used to the setting or because he wasn't in the right place at the right time. Everything had to be a certain way, and this prevented us from doing a lot of things that a "typical" family would. If we wanted to try a new restaurant or activity, it was never all 7 of us together, because one of our parents had to stay home or wait in the car with Cal. My sisters and I had to learn to be flexible from a young age, and although it wasn't always easy, we made it work. I always admired my sisters for their patience. I can't remember a single time where one of them was upset about our plans not working out. They were always very cooperative and they never complained. 
One thing that I worried about a lot with Cal was how he would make friends in middle school and high school. He had some amazing friends in elementary school, but in middle and high school, he would be in a different class than them. Middle school ended up working out fine. His friends were able to visit him in class, and they also got together outside of school. This is when high school became a big concern for me. Out of his two best friends, only one of them would be attending the same school as him, and once again, they would not be in any of the same classes. He wasn't going to join the football team or the marching band. He would go to school and then home and then back to school again. I knew that he would never have a typical teenage social life, but I still wanted him to have something. In 8th grade is when I first heard about a program called Best Buddies. This is an organization that provides genuine friendships for people with disabilities. There was a Best Buddies program at our high school, and the thought of this really excited me. How Best Buddies works is, anyone can sign up to join the club and participate in group activities, but you can also apply to be what is called a peer buddy. A peer buddy is someone who gets paired with a student who has an intellectual or development disability (IDD), and you hangout with them, make sure they have a ride to all of the group events, things like that. Not only did Cal make so many amazing friends through Best Buddies, I was lucky enough to be chosen as a peer buddy for my junior and senior year. This program was a life changing experience for myself and Cal. Not only did Cal make friends with his buddies, he made friends with other kids with IDD.
Best Buddies is such an important organization to so many people. It is the world's largest organization dedicated to ending the social, physical, and economic isolation of the 200 million people with IDD. These programs empower the special abilities of people with IDD by helping them form meaningful friendships with their peers, secure successful jobs, live independently, improve public speaking, self-advocacy and communication skills, and feel valued by society. Donations from people like you and me make local Best Buddies programs possible. Big or small, your support will not go unnoticed. If you feel led, you can give the gift of friendship by donating to my personal fundraising page.
Over the past several years, Cal has overcome so much more than we ever thought he could. He has branched out with the foods that he eats, and has become much more flexible as far as eating out and trying new things goes. He knows how to make a joke, how to tie his shoes, how to make his own food, and so much more. My dad once told me that people who have a sibling with IDD have such a different understanding of those with IDD than anyone else every could. Not only has Cal made me see the world in a different light, he has taught me so much about how to live life. Not a day in his life has Cal been judgemental or rude toward someone else. He has never told a lie. He has never hated anyone. He has taught me so much about patience and love. He is also one of the friendliest people I know. He can strike up a conversation with a stranger at any given moment, and he loves shaking hands. These things make him not only an awesome brother and son, but an awesome friend. I am glad that an organization like Best Buddies exists for people like Cal.
Tuesday, August 1, 2017
Middle School Mission Trip 2017
Throughout middle and high school, mission trip was always my favorite week of the summer...maybe even the year. A few weeks ago, I had the pleasure of going on the middle school mission trip as the photographer on the leadership team. I always knew that I would want to keep going on these trips when I was an adult, but I didn't expect it to be like this. The kids on the trip taught me more than I ever thought I could learn. They each have so much love in their hearts and they radiate joy everywhere they go. It's truly inspiring to watch people so young do so much service with a selfless attitude, and to give up a week of their summer to help others. This mission trip made me realize why the same adult volunteers keep attending every year, even after their kids are way out of high school. Experiencing a CTCYM trip through the eyes of an adult was a moving experience and I can't wait to go again next year.
Saturday, July 1, 2017
Marfa, TX
This past week, my mom and 4 of us kids drove out to West Texas to visit Big Bend National Park. We had heard a lot about Marfa; a town not too far from Alpine, which was where we were staying, so, we set aside a day of our trip just for Marfa.
Marfa is probably most famous for its mystery lights that supposedly show up on route 67 every night anytime between dusk and midnight. We went to the viewing area two different nights. One night we stayed until 9:30 and one until 10:30, but we decided to give up because we're Payne's and well, we would rather be in bed. We did see pictures though, and they seem cool.
Something else you might've heard of is "Prada Marfa" which is a piece of art structure that was made by two men and Prada actually had nothing to do with it, other than donating some bags and shoes and giving them permission to use their brand name. It's an hour out in the middle of nowhere, and I mean nowhere. There is not a gas station or rest stop in sight for 74 miles. If you ask me, I do think it's kind of strange, but I can always appreciate a good piece of art.
We also found a great hole-in-the-wall sandwich place called "Squeeze Marfa", and it was probably one of the most delicious paninis I have ever had. Another thing about Marfa is that there is tons of cool art.
Although Marfa is kind of eerie and gives my mom "Twilight Zone vibes", I think its really cool. I think the best way I can describe this town is a mix between a cowboy town and a hippie town. My mom thinks that within the next few years, Marfa will be a "happening place", as she says, and I think she's probably right. If you ever find yourself out in the middle of nowhere West Texas, and feel like exploring the wonderful place that is Marfa, I would highly recommend.
Marfa is probably most famous for its mystery lights that supposedly show up on route 67 every night anytime between dusk and midnight. We went to the viewing area two different nights. One night we stayed until 9:30 and one until 10:30, but we decided to give up because we're Payne's and well, we would rather be in bed. We did see pictures though, and they seem cool.
Something else you might've heard of is "Prada Marfa" which is a piece of art structure that was made by two men and Prada actually had nothing to do with it, other than donating some bags and shoes and giving them permission to use their brand name. It's an hour out in the middle of nowhere, and I mean nowhere. There is not a gas station or rest stop in sight for 74 miles. If you ask me, I do think it's kind of strange, but I can always appreciate a good piece of art.
We also found a great hole-in-the-wall sandwich place called "Squeeze Marfa", and it was probably one of the most delicious paninis I have ever had. Another thing about Marfa is that there is tons of cool art.
Although Marfa is kind of eerie and gives my mom "Twilight Zone vibes", I think its really cool. I think the best way I can describe this town is a mix between a cowboy town and a hippie town. My mom thinks that within the next few years, Marfa will be a "happening place", as she says, and I think she's probably right. If you ever find yourself out in the middle of nowhere West Texas, and feel like exploring the wonderful place that is Marfa, I would highly recommend.
Saturday, December 10, 2016
What 2016 Taught Me
Here is a taste of what I learned this year. I hope you enjoy!
Time heals wounds; 2015 came with a lot of hurt and heartache, but 2016 has been a time of healing. This year has given me time to reflect and learn more about who I am and who I want to become. I am grateful for the time I've had to grow and become a better person.
Be nice to yourself- talk to yourself the way you would talk to someone you love, for self doubt will be your creative downfall.
It's okay to say "no". It's okay to set boundaries. If you are uncomfortable or flat-out don't want to do something, you don't have to. It's not against the law to do something for yourself and no one is going to hate you for saying "no".
Pay more attention to your thoughts. What you're thinking is what you're attracting. Everything begins and ends in your mind and what you give power to has power over you.
Focusing on the negative destroys the positive. No one likes a "Debbie Downer", and if you're that person, try and transform your thoughts into something positive. It may be easier said than done, but it can happen. I oftentimes found myself focusing too much on the negative things in life, so I made a list of 100 things that make me happy, and I became more aware of my surroundings and opened my eyes to see how blessed I am to have this life.
Breathe in the future, breathe out the past, and don't be afraid of change. Some things will never be how they used to be, and that's okay. The only thing you can do is move on, and live in the present. You don't have time to waste worrying about the past or even the future; trust that God has a plan and that everything will be okay. After all, sometimes you will lose something good and gain something even better. "To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist. That is all." -Oscar Wilde
There's always something coming; good or bad. It's going to force you to grow, and in the midst of your struggles, you will find a reason to keep going. It take a lot of courage to push through hard times, but never give up, good things are coming your way.
Acceptance of yourself is far more important than acceptance from others. Don't ever change to impress someone. Change because it makes you a better person and leads you to a better future.
If an opportunity doesn't exist, create it. I have seen this a lot in my parents. They inspire me everyday to be a better person, and watching them chase their dreams is a big part of that. They create opportunities not only for themselves, but for others to learn and grow in amazing ways.
What you see in other people is a reflection of yourself. You can choose to be kind or you can choose to be hateful; there's no in-between.
The most beautiful things in life are moments and feelings. You might not always remember the whole experience, but you will remember how you felt in that very moment- and that's all that matters.
Your feelings are always valid and you can take as much time as you need to heal. Don't let anyone make you feel wrong for being disappointed, upset, joyous, anything... you have the right to feel so you need to feel. Feelings are important.
You can't find happiness in other people. In high school especially, I always found myself depending on other people to make me happy. When someone let me down or didn't live up to my expectations, it seemed like the end of the world. It took me a while to realize that the only person who can truly make me happy is myself and that I can't get that from someone else.
Family is everything. There was a period in my life where I always chose my friends over my family. I would blow off plans I had with my sisters when a better offer from a friend came along. Something very important I've learned is that my sisters won't be the same age forever, and neither will I. One of the main reasons I chose to stay close to home for college was because I didn't want to miss watching my siblings grow up. Getting time to watch them grow into such beautiful young people has been such a blessing, and they have given me some of the most precious memories that I will treasure always.
If you're not happy now, just know that it's never too late to start over.
2016 has had it's ups and downs, but it's definitely been a year of growth and positivity. 2015 was a very rough year for me, and this year has been so much better. I had opportunities to travel to new places, experience new things, and to enjoy the small moments. Sometimes going to your favorite coffee shop with a good friend can be just as fun as traveling the world- it's all how you choose to look at it.
Be thankful for today because in one moment, your entire life could change.
Time heals wounds; 2015 came with a lot of hurt and heartache, but 2016 has been a time of healing. This year has given me time to reflect and learn more about who I am and who I want to become. I am grateful for the time I've had to grow and become a better person.
Be nice to yourself- talk to yourself the way you would talk to someone you love, for self doubt will be your creative downfall.
It's okay to say "no". It's okay to set boundaries. If you are uncomfortable or flat-out don't want to do something, you don't have to. It's not against the law to do something for yourself and no one is going to hate you for saying "no".
Pay more attention to your thoughts. What you're thinking is what you're attracting. Everything begins and ends in your mind and what you give power to has power over you.
Focusing on the negative destroys the positive. No one likes a "Debbie Downer", and if you're that person, try and transform your thoughts into something positive. It may be easier said than done, but it can happen. I oftentimes found myself focusing too much on the negative things in life, so I made a list of 100 things that make me happy, and I became more aware of my surroundings and opened my eyes to see how blessed I am to have this life.
Breathe in the future, breathe out the past, and don't be afraid of change. Some things will never be how they used to be, and that's okay. The only thing you can do is move on, and live in the present. You don't have time to waste worrying about the past or even the future; trust that God has a plan and that everything will be okay. After all, sometimes you will lose something good and gain something even better. "To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist. That is all." -Oscar Wilde
There's always something coming; good or bad. It's going to force you to grow, and in the midst of your struggles, you will find a reason to keep going. It take a lot of courage to push through hard times, but never give up, good things are coming your way.
Acceptance of yourself is far more important than acceptance from others. Don't ever change to impress someone. Change because it makes you a better person and leads you to a better future.
If an opportunity doesn't exist, create it. I have seen this a lot in my parents. They inspire me everyday to be a better person, and watching them chase their dreams is a big part of that. They create opportunities not only for themselves, but for others to learn and grow in amazing ways.
What you see in other people is a reflection of yourself. You can choose to be kind or you can choose to be hateful; there's no in-between.
The most beautiful things in life are moments and feelings. You might not always remember the whole experience, but you will remember how you felt in that very moment- and that's all that matters.
Your feelings are always valid and you can take as much time as you need to heal. Don't let anyone make you feel wrong for being disappointed, upset, joyous, anything... you have the right to feel so you need to feel. Feelings are important.
You can't find happiness in other people. In high school especially, I always found myself depending on other people to make me happy. When someone let me down or didn't live up to my expectations, it seemed like the end of the world. It took me a while to realize that the only person who can truly make me happy is myself and that I can't get that from someone else.
Family is everything. There was a period in my life where I always chose my friends over my family. I would blow off plans I had with my sisters when a better offer from a friend came along. Something very important I've learned is that my sisters won't be the same age forever, and neither will I. One of the main reasons I chose to stay close to home for college was because I didn't want to miss watching my siblings grow up. Getting time to watch them grow into such beautiful young people has been such a blessing, and they have given me some of the most precious memories that I will treasure always.
If you're not happy now, just know that it's never too late to start over.
2016 has had it's ups and downs, but it's definitely been a year of growth and positivity. 2015 was a very rough year for me, and this year has been so much better. I had opportunities to travel to new places, experience new things, and to enjoy the small moments. Sometimes going to your favorite coffee shop with a good friend can be just as fun as traveling the world- it's all how you choose to look at it.
Be thankful for today because in one moment, your entire life could change.
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